I’m not giving up

graceinwonderland — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 06:40:54 +0000

I have been working for almost 6 months now. Everything is my job is pretty good, except for the low title and low salary. I did not get a degree from the best University to be working as an assistant. I am going to rise above this this sexism and unfairness in the business world. I am going to get my MBA before I hit 30, this will be my goal for the next 4 years–to get a high score on my GMAT, take math courses to prepare MBA, develop essays, and get references.

I will have a plan A, B, and C. I am never, never, never, giving up.

I hate my mother

graceinwonderland — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 01:28:41 +0000

There I said it. I have had it with her attitude towards me all these years, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, and yes, when I was younger and she could bully me, the physical abuse.

Just fucking leave me alone. If I wasn’t a Christian, I would have just done something.

She wants to control everything, as if I did not have right to be angry and to express myself. That bitch. I don’t care, I don’t care God. She did not care enough, why should I?

She’s shallow, negative, fault-finding, hateful, vengeful, self-centered. She’s a bitch.

I don’t fucking want to stay in this house any longer. One more time, I’m fucking leaving and never coming back.

Your perception shapes reality

graceinwonderland — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:58:25 +0000

Last night, I heard this sentence in my sleep–”Your perception shapes reality.” Is this true?

Some Perception/Limiting Beliefs

-My parents hate me

-People dislike me

-I am boring

-I will be an office clerk forever

-I will always bad communicator

-People perceive me as dumb

-Men are users of women–for sex and for cleaning

-Men are the only ones who become successful

-I am too dumb to make the right decisions

-I will never be a leader

-I will never be rich

-I will always be in the sidelines

-I will never be confident

-No one cares

-My personality cannot ever change

-I have no future

-I am not good enough

-I cannot offer anything

-People will always reject me

-I cannot change

-God hates me

-I will never be able to stand up for myself

-I need someone to be strong for me, I can’t take care of myself

—-

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http://theproshow.blogspot.com/

When life has no colors

graceinwonderland — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 14:41:49 +0000

When life has no colors,

it is black and white, plain and dull

People seek for something more,

that grand adventure

the bubbling excitement

the newness of life.

Exotic travels, faraway places.

The prince and the magic carpet ride.

When life has no colors,

People are stuck here,

dreams falling off their hands.

Today is the same, as was yesterday

Obligations, the mundane, the nothingness.

They want to runaway.

Take a risk, make a choice.

Screw it, and reach for the sky.

These lines drowning them

lines of safety and comfort, boxing them in,

suffocating.

Everything their heart desires,

where are they hidden?

Placed behind the pack,

expected to stay there, to stay still and cry.

They won’t accept this fate,

They won’t be satisfied.

Death is more acceptable than

a life devoid of any colors.

God, please bring him back to me…

graceinwonderland — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:51:14 +0000

Dear God,

I miss him… Please let him be in my future. I want to forget and yet I can’t as he keeps coming back in my thoughts. How can I move on?? Please lord. You said to ask. I am asking. You said to knock. I am knocking. You said to find. I am looking. My life and his life is in your hands, Father. Help me trust. Help me accept whoever you have for me. Please help me. I have become quite sad and discouraged these past four months…. What action can I take to gain back the joy that I once lost?

Can anything happen when I take the chance? I want to believe in what I cannot see. I want to open my heart to all the possibilies. I want something to change, I am looking for the newness of life to come and wash over me again. God, please speak to me. Guide me. Help me. The world looks so dark from here.Please make it brighter. It felt right with him, now I feel like something is missing. Please God answer me.

Back to life, back to reality

graceinwonderland — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:39:12 +0000

This song is stuck in my head.

A series of choices, a series of disasters?

graceinwonderland — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:28:28 +0000

Keep this six years of friendship or break it?
Lost a potential soul mate, whom I still think about constantly. Contact him or leave him be?
Was offered a job–accept or decline the job? Take a risk that a better one comes along?

Small series of choices in life will decide my course. I know not which I should choose. Over the course of my 20 plus years, I have made the same choices. Choices that were easy. Choices the most agreed with. Choices that went with the flow and the current of the river. Always safe, conventional.

Later, a friend of mine asked,

What do you want to do? Anything and anywhere I am offered a job at.
Where do you want to live? Here. I’d leave near my parents so if I ever need help.
What car do you want? The reliable and cheap one.
What do you want to do with your life? I don’t know. Maybe get a good job. Get married, have kids. A simple life really.

Before all this, I was content and happy. Then she said, take a risk. Be more creative. Think of all the possibilities. Strive harder. There’s more. Now I am questioning everything.

I don’t know what I’m striving for. Is it even worth the effort? Is it even what I want or what they want? Is it even a good thing, because now my life feels incomplete, as if it is lacking something and happiness is attached to obtaining that something.

So, what if I live a simple life as long as I am content and happy? (instead of running after fame, pleasure, money, recognition all the while being devoid of joy and contentment). Maybe this is the life I was meant to live: painting a picture in a plain frame, nothing glamorous and expensive, but beautiful in its own right.

Job Interview

graceinwonderland — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 05:18:24 +0000

Tomorrow is my job interview. God, I have prayed a million times, please help me.

I have been searching for this song in the net to no avail…

it’s a happy day
and i thank God for the weather
it’s a happy day
and i’m livin it for my Lord
it’s a happy day
and things are gonna get better
livin each day by the promises in God’s Word

Come back to me…

graceinwonderland — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:09:21 +0000

God, I need your joy

graceinwonderland — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 02:12:12 +0000